Truth Tuesday

Hello Lovely Readers,

Today's post is one I have been waiting 4 years to publish since it is a subject that is part of my past and my present and future are so much better because of that.

For almost 2 years, I suffered infertility.

That's right, I said it!

Coming from a big family (of 6 kids) for years I always knew that even though I wanted kids one day, I needed to wait until I was not only ready, but also till I had checked off all of the things a "smart person" has listed before they have a baby. So I did, I made it to 18 without getting pregnant, a huge accomplishment compared to several of the 15 year old girls I used to hang out with from my neighborhood, and I even made it through 2 degrees in college. After 5 years of dating the Mr., I checked off getting married and a year later buying the house for my future family, yay!

Well, come summer of 2012 and after feeling like we had settled in our home and we made an impromptu trip to London, here we are, trying to have a baby. I was at the same point what seemed like a lot of my peers were at also because come fall, everyone was getting pregnant. From cousins, to friends to 2 of my own sisters and brother (his wife, duh), there were babies cooking in ovens all over my life (and Facebook). So we tried and tried, and nothing...

We were about a year into it (because we read everywhere, give it 12 months, then you can seek help) and still no baby, so I did IT. I blamed everything on the Mr. Surely it could not be me, I come from the most fertile crop complete with, at the time, 11 nephews and nieces, the issue could not be ME! So after a couple of bumps on the road, I finally landed at McKinney IVF where I was to meet Dr. Anderson of Dallas IVF. I made my appointment on the Monday of my Spring Break week since I was off, and to my surprise I was not on the list the day of the appointment. Not only was I livid, I viewed this as yet another reason God hated me. I know it sounds ridiculous but I truly felt like God was not on my side at the time. So, I decided to schedule my appointment with a different doctor on the staff, Dr. Ku, because he would be available that Wednesday and I was off still, so great. 

I had an event to attend that evening, so I was all glammed up walking into my appointment only to hear the devastating news that I would only be able to get pregnant though IVF. Not only did this make me cry my mascara-ed eyes out, but I felt like the biggest idiot in the world for not trying to seek help earlier. So much time wasted. Well, after much debate on how we would come up with $15, 000 to cover the procedure and medical supplies needed, we were at peace with our path to parenthood. Dr. Ku, who was a college music major (like me) and the best doctor, ever, decided to have some tests done and low and behold, we didn't need to do IVF, but an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), Praise The LORD!

It turns out that the issue was not as serious as we thought and all I needed was a little help for my lady parts to do their business and we were all set to do a procedure that was much less invasive and far more affordable. It was like God wanted to test us more and more everyday to see if we were really ready to be parents. 

Come April and I start my fertility treatments, Clomid to be more exact. I took some pills here and there and the last few days before the IUI I gave myself shots (it was crazy, I know, but not bad at all) I actually got to know needles very well, and don't get freaked out or queazy at the thought of them anymore... The best part was that the procedure would take place the Monday after Mothers Day, May 12th. My life was slowly coming together in such a beautiful way as I turned 30 on May 2nd, celebrated Mother's Day on the 11th, and had my IUI the next day. 

(Side note, we had gone to church that Mother's Day Sunday and at one point, the pastor asked all of the mother's to get up so the congregation could honor them. I will always remember that even though I wasn't a mom yet, the Mr. took my hand and held it really tightly when everyone clapped, as if he was already honoring me as a mother)

So, May 12th comes around, everything goes according to plan and now WE WAIT........

I had a good feeling about the whole thing, but didn't want to be over confident so we just went about our days and I had my usual school stuff. On May 22nd, I went to see my sisters in Dallas and for some reason I wanted to take a pregnancy test, so I told my sisters and they pretty much made me go buy several, and there it was. 10 days later, I could see 2 lines! I went home to tell the Mr. and he was so happy, as you could imagine. I always tell everyone I had the longest pregnancy ever since I knew about the pregnancy so early in the process. Literally the next day my in laws drove from Tulsa to celebrate, and I don't know why, but I knew already that I was having twins and that it was a boy and a girl. I jokingly told everyone my predictions and they all though I was crazy!

(Side note, during our testing of my "eggs" I could see there was four good sized ones, but according to Dr. Ku, one was perfect (Ford) and another was pretty close to perfect size (Sloane), so I don't know why, but I just knew those were my future babies. It's science, if it was going to work, then it would be those 2 eggs that made it, but I could have had quadruplets!)

I went in to see Dr. Ku and we confirmed I was indeed pregnant. I went about my business till our 4 week, then 6 week check up, still with Dr. Ku. We went in to our 6 week appointment and low and behold there are two little gummy babies in the sonogram. The funniest was the technician who asked "So how many were you aiming for, because there are two babies in there!"

The Mr. and I just looked at each other and I cried in laughter for like 5 minutes. Not joking, the people in the building must have wondered what was going on in our room. 

We were beyond ecstatic and were planning to share the news with everyone at a later time, but we couldn't resist ourselves and told our families right away. It was too good of news not to share. We had a vacation coming up so we decided to take pics on the beach for our announcement and the rest is history. 

For almost 2 years I sat and wondered, what is wrong with me? When is my time to feel the joy of motherhood? Why do I feel so miserable every month? It was a trying time in my life. I knew there were many women who suffer from infertility, but I still felt so alone. I questioned God on so many occasions, wondering why me? I was lost. I think the one good thing that came out of that time period for me was the way the Mr. and I connected in our faith in God. We prayed together, we cried together, we definitely fought with each other, and all for the two most precious things that have even been gifted to me. My little miracle babies. I call them miracles, not only because they were blessings sent from above, but because if my body did not function correctly to conceive, then there was a possibility of my body not being able to carry a baby, let alone 2! Thank God, the worse was over, because I had the most blessed pregnancy, not a single symptom, two healthy 37.5 week babies (full term which is not as common for twins) later. I did get Gestational Diabetes, but I controlled it though diet and didn't need any medications.

I guess I am finally sharing this 4 years later because I feel like it is part of my story, part of me. I am not ashamed that my body is not perfect, and if I can relate or reach someone else who is also going through what I went through, it would be my honor to shed some light to a very difficult subject. The ironic part about my infertility period was that I knew I was not alone, there were several other bloggers and women I knew who were also suffering infertility, so much that they completely closed out all social media to avoid constant reminders that they were not mothers and everyone else is (or so it seems). I never took it that far because like always, I always knew that God had a plan for me, even though I would occasionally relapse and forget. I was going through the same thing, but I didn't want to make my journey to motherhood about that. I felt like it was sacred to me, like if I didn't share it with everyone, it would somehow mean more when I had my prayers answered. Looking back, Do I wish I had shared my struggles at the time? No ... I still think that women who decide to share their story are brave (there are many women who share their stories of infertility and their success stories that I love to see and read about), but I guess I was just worried that people would look at me like I was a victim when really this is a very common thing.

Infertility is an emotional and physical roller-coaster that I do not wish upon any woman, but the good thing is that there are brilliant doctors everywhere that can help with such matters. I would highly recommend Dr. Ku not only because he was a cello player (hehe), but because he really cared about me as a patient, I always felt safe and in good hands. I also recommend (if you are married and suffering through this with your mate) that you find a way to deal with your struggles as a couple with compassion and understanding. There were times I projected my anger and frustration about the whole thing towards my husband and people that had nothing to do with it. I was not not a happy camper at times, but I guess it made me a stronger person in the end. Having 2 babies to care for every single moment of my life has been hard, I will admit, but I would not trade it for the world.

Sorry for the long post, if you are still reading, then thank you. 

If you or someone you know is suffering of infertility, then my heart goes out to you, there's not much I can do other than tell you I was once in your shoes, and I am better now because of it. My babies are not just two persons who spontaneously entered this world, they were the labor of many prayers and tears. Have faith and many hugs to you.

~Mrs. S